Thursday, 25 September 2014

Two cards

Today, I posted birthday presents and cards to two two year olds in my life, a little boy and a little girl. It was only as I sealed the second envelope that I remembered: 28th September. There once was a time I thought a third little two year old should be in that gang.

After the missed miscarriage, two and a half years ago now, I felt as though those friendships would be destroyed forever. I admit to distancing myself from both of them, because the sameness of our pregnancy dates hurt me too much. Their celebrations after their (successful) 12 week scans were bittersweet. I wished them well but I couldn't celebrate with them when I was mourning. Tales of morning sickness, 20 week scan photos and baby bump photos on Facebook reminded me where I should have been. I fooled myself that otherwise I might have lost track.

But something happened on the way to staying bitter for the rest of my life. And no, it's not a tale of triumph over evil or finding a way to heal myself, 'simply' that I got pregnant and stayed pregnant and had a live baby.

When those friends were giving birth, I was whipping myself into a frenzy about an early scan, and worrying about every ache and pain. I still felt so far from them. It's unbelievable that now we all have toddlers who will be in the same school year. They have been my helpline when I've felt clueless, my sanity when I've just needed someone to say 'ohhh, that happened to me too!'. Somehow, they've forgiven me for not jumping for joy through each stage of their pregnancies (I wasn't openly miserable, just you understand, just not as jubilant as I would've been if I'd also been experiencing a first-time successful pregnancy along with them).

Does it hurt to post these birthday celebrations? No. Honestly. Not because I'm pure of mind, word and deed, but because my beautiful, cheeky, beloved 1.5 year old is rocking my world.

It's not that I don't feel sad about that first loss, or the second, but because I have him. I also recognised recognised_ now (with the power of hindsight and knowing your body can carry a baby to term and all the rest of it) that miscarriage is sadly so so common, although nobody talks about it, and that often the cause is just human nature not quite getting the pieces of the jigsaw together right. Of course I was told that at the time (the pregnancy was doomed from the start, the sac wasn't forming as it should have been, my body just carried the hormones for 11 weeks when development stopped at 5). It's just that at the time it doesn't feel like 'just one of those things'.

I think back to that first pregnancy: the positive test, telling our parents, feeling sick, the elation, the excitement, and then the sadness that followed. I'm sorry I didn't get to experience the naive joy of a first pregnancy going right. I envy my friends that. But I love their babies and I value their friendship and advice, so the envy kind of disappeared and just became a little voice in the back of my head that sometimes gets a little narky when people announce 4-week-along pregnancies on social media... although that's lovely too, and oh lucky them, and if only everyone in the world could be like that and not worry and be oblivious to the torture of knowing exactly how hard it can all be to get here... To Babyville.

Friday, 9 November 2012

12 Week Scan!

We went for the dating scan and nuchal tests today at 12+4. Scan went brilliantly and baby wriggled around lots, it was amazing to see all the miniature body parts: brain, spine, arms and legs, bladder. Baby looked like he or she was waving at us in the scan photo! DH was amazed at how much could be seen and how this compared to the scans we had at 7 weeks and 9 weeks.
The baby measured 13+1 so four days ahead. It was so exciting to see our baby moving around in there and see how much he or she has grown in a few weeks! 
I am still feeling sick on and off and also have a new symptom of feeling giddy now and again - this just had to be rectified with a Snickers bar! 
My clothes are snug but I don't have a bump yet. I took these mainly for the comedy value of how skinny I look! Can't wait to look pregnant! 

Non bump at 12 weeks!
12 weeks, Uploaded from the Photobucket Android App

Monday, 22 October 2012

10 weeks!

I am 10 weeks pregnant today!

When I was pregnant earlier in the year, I saw 10 weeks as a bit of a milestone. I'd read that chances of miscarriage were lower after 10 weeks, and so I braved telling a couple of friends, and even my manager. Those weren't random events: I was on a girls' weekend with the friends, and had to tell them really, and work had been stressful and I hadn't been myself - I was all hormonal. It was at 10+5 that I started spotting, and at 11 weeks a scan told me that the baby's development never made it past 5 or 6 weeks.

The difference this time, I comfort myself, is that I feel so pregnant. I've had sickness (not just nausea, but throwing up). My boobs are sore (hurrah!). I've also had two scans - an early reassurance scan on the NHS at 7 weeks, and a private scan at 9 weeks which I booked because I panicked when my symptoms seemed to wane for a few days. It's still terrifying, but it does feel different, and I'm trying to stay positive.

A Babycentre friend wrote on Facebook today: "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one", and ne'er a truer word was spoken.

I got my scan date through in the post today, and was a bit disappointed to see I'll be 13 weeks when I have it. In our area we have our "12 week scan" in our 12th or 13th week, so it could've been as late as 13+6. I suppose everyone wants their scan bang on 12 weeks. Now, where's that patience of mine?

Sunday, 30 September 2012

Nervously awaiting 7 week scan

I have an early reassurance scan tomorrow afternoon, at 7 weeks exactly. I'm so glad I've got the scan booked (my first pregnancy stopped developing at 5-6 weeks but I didn't have any bleeding until 10+4 and had the MMC confirmed at a scan at 11 weeks; three months later I had a chemical pregnancy lost at 4+3). I need to know whether this pregnancy is viable, I couldn't bear to wait until 12 weeks, wondering and worrying.

But I'm terrified. Terrified of the EPU, of the whole appointment, of the waiting while they scan me. I'm so nervous. I want to go to sleep now and wake up with the answer - and only then if it's the reassuring answer. DH is coming with me and I know he's nervous too. How am I going to sleep tonight and then get through the whole of tomorrow?

Thursday, 27 September 2012

You Showed Me The Way

To our angel baby,
who would have been born tomorrow.
Did you know I cried for you today?
Did you know my body ached, and shook?
My heart shrieked in agony, my eyes shed
So many tears.

Although we never met,
I've grieved. I've bled rivers for you,
Felt pain, physical and emotional,
Like I never have before,
And worried and wept and wailed,
So many tears.

But despite all of this,
I thank you. I thank you for coming at all,
For showing me how it feels to carry
A child in my womb, albeit briefly,
And how much I want this in my life,
So very much.

I will never forget, but I must be strong.

Friday, 21 September 2012

Rubbish Doctor!

Today I am five weeks and four days pregnant. I booked a doctor's appointment last week, hoping to see my registered doctor, but there were no appointments available. Even to see the locum doctor, I had to wait a week. I was only going along to tell them I am pregnant and to request an early scan as promised by the EPU when I had my miscarriage back in March.

I didn't have great expectations of this doctor's appointment. When I went in February that first appointment was basic, but the female doctor I saw then knew me, and congratulated me. I knew the appointment would basically involve me saying I was pregnant, and them saying they would refer me to the midwives who would get in touch.

This doctor did not even look at my notes on the system before he saw me. When I went in and told him I was pregnant, there was no reaction. I continued, telling him I was nervous because I'd suffered a miscarrriage (I would at least have expected him to say sorry or at least try and look sympathetic). He began scribbling on a piece of prescription paper, asking me:

When was your last menstrual period?
13th August

And the positive pregnancy test?
11th September

And you feel pregnant?

Tenderness in the breasts?

Any other pregnancies?
I had a chemical pregnancy in June. [don't think he even knew what this meant].

Felt like saying, look at my fucking notes on the system! (pardon my French, but that's what they're there for). He told me to go out to Reception and ask for a form to register my pregnancy.

Feeing ushered out already, I mentioned that the EPU had said I'd be scanned early because I was 11 weeks pregnant when I miscarried but development had stopped at 5/6 weeks. Again a completely blank face. He said he would fill in a form and fax it to the hospital.

I also asked if there was anything I should be taking. He said no unless the gynae had recommended something. I didn't even bother starting a conversation about aspirin or progesterone: pointless. He asked if I wanted a prescription for folic acid. For fuck's sake, I can buy my own folic acid, thanks. I wanted some medical advice, but forget it.

Honestly! I know he's not a counsellor but he's dealing with a person - a person who's feeling very nervous and anxious, and has been through a lot this year! The Receptionist was kinder, with no knowledge of my history; I honestly feel like complaining but realise there's no point and I may as well just forget about it.

I genuinely know more than him about pregnancy. Wish I had just rung the surgery and told the Receptionist I was pregnant and asked her to fill in the form there and then!

Rant over (for now).


Friday, 14 September 2012


The day after our 3rd wedding anniversary, I got a migraine at work. It struck me that I hadn't had a migraine since I was pregnant at the beginning of the year before my miscarriage, when I got migraines in both January (before I knew I was pregnant) and February.

So when I got home, even though I'd vowed not to test before AF was due the following day, I couldn't resist peeing on a stick - but an OPK, which obviously doesn't count (haha).

That meant I had to pee on an HPT, of course. But an internet cheapie barely counts! This was CD30, 15DPO.

Two days later, a huge wave of paranoia made me pee on a stick again (a Clear Blue Plus and an OPK). Here we are on CD32, 17DPO:

I don't think I realised quite how petrified I'd be once I got my BFP. When you're ttc you're so focused on getting that BFP, it becomes all-consuming. I'm just hoping we're blessed with a huge dose of luck this time. I wonder when I can stop holding my breath and weeing blind? I am grateful for this chance... please let this be our take-home baby.